A Journey To Forgiveness
by AmyHale
Summary: Derek is married to Meredith and having a baby. And then suddenly a call from a 14-year-old makes him go back to his past. A past that he never faced.  AU: addison didn't show up in 1x09 but they're divorced, and she kept Mark's baby.


**A/N: Addie and Derek got divorced, but she never showed up at SGH. And Meredith never knew about her.**

"Hello, Derek Shepherd speaking." you say with a big smile as you look at Meredith, who at six months pregnant has a very notable baby bump.

"Hi. I'm, I'm Amy Montgomery-Sloan, I don't think you know about me. I'm Addison's daughter, your ex wife. I'm calling because..." a sob makes her stop. "Because... my dad died two days ago. My dad, he..." the girl bursts into tears, and your smile fades as realization hits you. You feel your heart stop, you try hard to catch your breath, but you just can't, and the phone slips away from your hand and falls on the ground and the sound it makes seems so loud to you, echoing in you ears.

Meredith looks at you worried but you can't answer her right now, so she simply picks up the phone in the end and she tries to understand what's happening.

"Hello? This is Meredith. Dr. Shepherd's wife." she says still glancing at you in disbelief.

"I don't care who you are. Tell him he needs to be here. We need him. Tell him to come!" you don't hear the girl scream, but when your wife refers you what she said you can easily feel the pain she had in her voice, the pain she was feeling, just because your heart aches too, now.

And you don't know what to say, because Meredith never new about your ex wife, and about your ex best friend, and you never knew about their daughter; but mostly you don't know what to say because your throat is as dry as desert, and in your head all the begging and the crying and the 'I'm sorry's' are coming out of that little place you thought you left them forever and they're making you go all dizzy, so you have to lead against the nurses station until it passes, but it doesn't pass.

And so you look at Meredith and you let her understand that you need to lie down, and she helps you to reach the nearest on call room and you stay there in the dark for what seems to be like twenty-four hours.

But then you sit up and glance at your clock and it's only been forty-five minutes and Meredith is still sitting there. And you swallow and then you tell her everything about Addison and Mark and New York. About all the neglecting and the screaming and then about the cheating and the crying and the begging and the 'I'm sorry's'.

You tell her that you love her with all your heart, but that you need to go. At least for the funeral.

And she has no words to tell you how she feels so she stands up and says that she doesn't want to hear about you again and she leaves and you collapse on the bed again and you fall asleep.

When you wake up you go straight to the Chief to have some weeks off, and you drive to the airport. You land in NY in less then you think possible and when the cab driver asks where you gotta go you say the brownstone's address, because you need to see Addison and to you she will always be related to the brownstone.

You find it surrounded by the dark and you ring the bell and no one answers and you have no strength to make the phone call. And then you realize. She really is a phone call away. The daughter that could be yours is a mere phone call away. Your past is there, it stands juts a phone call away.

But still, you don't dare to call. You're not ready. You tell yourself she isn't too.

So you ask the cab driver to take you at your mother's house, and suddenly you're standing there after so many years.

And you enter, and there are hugs, and tears, and sweet words. And you can't say a thing.

And there is a teenage girl with red eyes, and she looks just like her mother. And you miss her. And then you drink hot chocolate and you eat some cake, and you want to ask where Addison is but you stop yourself just in time, and you ask what happened to Mark instead.

He was heading home after work. A drunk driver didn't stop at the traffic light. He died after only a few seconds.

And your eyes are empty, and you feel like you have no soul. Because all you feel is pain. And you want to die.

You somehow make it up the stairs and head to your old bedroom and you're ex wife is there on the bed and you don't know what to do. You actually stay still for a minute. And she looks at you. With the same look her daughter had, and maybe you yourself have.

And you sigh, and she cries, and then you hold her. For the first time in years. And all is forgiven and almost forgotten and you would really like to go back. But you can't.

And you stay there all night, and you don't care if you're uncomfortable because you can barely feel anything so it doesn't really matter.

And at some point Amy makes her appearance in the room and she lays down next to her mother, and you look at them both and think about happy times.

And then in the morning Addison doesn't want to eat. And Amy refuses to go to the funeral. And you find an old photo of the three of you and can't take your eyes away from it.

But then you have to, and you make Amy reason, and you make Addie reason, and you almost, seriously think about running away when you arrive at the church.

But then the funeral's over and you're grateful you stayed because you'd need the priest to do it all over again. Just because so maybe so you'll believe it. But people leave and you sit there and you shiver, and outside it starts raining and you still can't believe it.

And you want to call Meredith, but at the same time you want to feel Addie's body against yours.

And at the blink of an eye you realize that you called her 'Addie' all day without even noticing and it fills you with warmth.

And a week passes, and then it's a week and a half, and Meredith still hasn't answered your calls. And you haven't booked a flight yet.

So you ask Addison the keys of the brownstone, and she simply says she sold it, so you look out for the new owners and you go there and they tell you you can stay for the day.

And evening comes and you can't go out and then someone knocks and Amy's there too and you tell her about all the good things you remember. You show her the living room and the bedrooms and the attic and then the living room again because it's your favorite room.

And then you take her home and you cook something and the three of you eat together, although nobody talks much.

And then after four days you decide it's time for you to go back to Seattle. So you hug them, you kiss their cheeks and you make a silent promise to Mark that you'll come and visit him soon.

And you go immediately to the hospital and you see Meredith and you look at her and then you look at her belly. And you look at each other again and you both know what will come next.

"I want a divorce." she says in her soft voice, and you almost fall for her all over again, but you manage not to show it.

"You're being stupid. We're having a baby. I love you. We... We're married." and you know it doesn't make any sense, because you lied to her in some way and you always had to breathe for her and even though you love her maybe it's not enough.

So you let her call your lawyers and you talk and talk and drink red wine and she says she's sorry but then she says it's the right thing to do. And you decide that you'll take the baby on the weekends and that you'll see in the future for holidays and birthdays and emergencies. And you think that you're planning his life before he's even born.

And you go and tell the Chief that you want to transfer at Mt. Sinai, and he says he will do what he can.

And after a few weeks you head back to New York and you surprise Addison and Amy and you start as being friends but you hope that one day you'll be a family.

And you look at them as they smile or buy shoes or roll their eyes and they're so alike and you love them.

And every time you go to see Mark you can tell him that you're taking care of his girls, and you feel somehow lighter and you're not sure of what it is but later you understand that you're happy.

**Guys, I wanted to make clear, as an answer to some reviews, that Derek didn't choose Addison and Amy over Meredith and their baby. They just got divorced, and he moved to New York, but he'll see him anyway every time that he can. And he loves Meredith and Addison both, and he cares about them both, and for now they're all single. After that, you can imagine what you want. Mer/Der? Addek? Your choice.**


End file.
